FOCUS and PERSPECTIVE

You know, it's amazing how when we ask Jesus to ," Remove the foreskins of our hearts ( Jeremiah 4:4),"  that He really does it, and the word that comes to mind is, disappointment.
Disappointment in myself and how easily distracted I can be from Jesus, and how eager my heart is to settle for a lukewarm faith that is comfortable and easy on my pride. Disappointment for my lack of discipline in spending time with my Savior, knowing that He is the rest that I need to have in order to not grow weary with the day to day grind of life... Disappointment in the kind of friend that I am to people, allowing myself to be complacent, not wanting to cause any sort of discomfort in holding people accountable to what I know to be TRUTH according to God's word, and what kind of friend does that make me?   Col. 3: 16 says, " Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God."  Knowing that there is a right way to hold people accountable ( " Let your speech be seasoned with grace, as though seasoned with salt. Col. 4:6")  and a wrong way, and also that there is a right and a wrong way for me to be living my life ( "Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving. Col. 4:2.") so that when the time comes for me to actually confront someone my heart is in the right place and my heart in tune with the Holy Spirit.
I mentioned that family is the hardest missions field that Jesus could place me on at this point in time....and it is true. No one else knows you like family knows you , and no one else can test you like family can, and no one else can pull on your heart strings like family can.... All of these things make it rather difficult to accomplish the things that I mentioned before, which brings me to my next point.

REST.

" In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there."  Mark 1: 35

A lot of people confuse rest with distraction from stress. So, TV, hanging out, sports, drinking, relationships...whatever floats their boat, when in reality rest is not distraction, it's putting your FOCUS on the right thing. JESUS.

" And He said to them, ' Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest awhile.'"  Mark 6: 31

"And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying, for all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things, But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 30-31

If our focus is resting on the right place then struggles, joys, passions, relationships...life, will come into perspective and we will gain the rest and peace we seek.

Season Change

First, I really want to thank people who have been praying for me about Haiti. I have something to tell you folks that may come as a surprise.
Well, I did it. I finally sent the e-mail I have been dreading to send for the past couple of weeks. I sent an e-mail telling the director of Much Ministries that I am not going to Haiti in December. Yes, I said that I am not going. You see, God has these amazing plans for our lives, and His character is such that He is patient and loving and kind towards us, even when we try and rush Him...
Let's back track a little bit. I love Haiti, and I love going there and serving with all my heart and soul. It is, and would be an easy decision for me to make to just up and go and serve there for as long as God saw fit... I know that there would be difficult things for me to face there. I read about them through my friends blogs all the time. They are heart breaking, gut wrenching stories about life, loss of life and how hard it can be to face another day knowing that death will surely come again in all shapes and forms.They are also stories that are full of life. Jesus life. Still, I would go and it would not take much for me to jump up and go for forever...Haiti, Africa, India, Bolivia, Peru....Wherever people are who have not heard of Him. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
So, why am I here? Good question. Let me tell you that I don't know the entire answer to that question. I have a couple of ideas, but I am looking forward to seeing God put all of the puzzle pieces together one day...Maybe next week, maybe ten years or twenty or thirty years or maybe not until eternity with Jesus...
Here is one thing I do know about why I am here. I know that for this time and season I am here to serve my family.  Mother Teresa put it this way, and I can't help but agree...
"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start. "
-- Mother Teresa

In a way God has called me to the hardest missions field that I can imagine. My family. I know what people have expected of me, I know what I have expected of myself, and in some ways this direction disappoints me because I am a selfish person with a crippled heart and I don't want to dive into the pool of yuck that has kept my family buried for such a long time...But Jesus is the God of freedom. He is the King of healing and life changing, life breathing power. My pastor shared John 21 with me when I was discussing this matter with him and his wife where Jesus just told Peter what his end would be. Grueling, painful and totally dependent upon God's grace. So then Peter has a little hissy fit, " Peter, turning around saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, 'Lord and what about this man?' Jesus said to him, " If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!" John 21: 20-22.
Point being, I don't need to worry about what your story looks like, or what my foreign missionary friends' stories look like, or what my sisters' stories look like....I need to follow Jesus. Period. That is His will for me. To follow Him regardless of what others want my story to be, or what I wish it could look like...Jesus' way is best and I am willing to submit to that and give my life up to follow Him. Even into the pool of yuck that my family is in.
So, what is your story?
                                "For Such A Time As This."
                                        ~ Esther

Losing this life for Jesus

Have you ever read Malachi 3:10?  Well, it says this, “ Bring the whole tithe into my storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test me now in this, ‘ says the Lord of hosts,’ if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.”  Do you get the impression here that God is smiling, daring you to try and out- give Him? I do, and it gives me chills. This is how I see this scripture in my mind (and as a girl, sorry guys!). Ok, it’s like being invited to a ball. You are standing by the wall looking radiant, calm and collected in your gown, but inside you are quivering with anticipation. Is He coming? Will He ask you to dance? You’ve already told Him you skipped out on ballroom dancing classes, so you are going to be a little lost, and you’re probably going to step on His toes! Then, He comes. There is no hesitation, no fear in His perfect love for you, and as you take the extended hand He offers to you, you are pleasantly surprised when He sweeps you off your feet ( hidden by your long dress), and places your feet on top of His for this dance that He knows the steps to… Just like when you were a child, and your Dad walked around the kitchen, with you clinging to his legs and standing on his feet. Ok, so if you are a girl you KNOW what I am talking about. If you’re a guy, I think you get the picture. I believe, with everything in my being, that God has called us to a life of love. A life lived knowing that, when we are living like He created us to live and loving like He loved, we are free. He even places our feet on top of His in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, when He gives us instructions on how to love like He does. I was challenged recently to place my name in the “love” part of this passage, and it really convicted me when I got through all four of those verses. “ Joie, is kind and patient…”.  Ok, I think you know what I am talking about, and really, I am none of those things, but have you tried to BE love in this passage before? What does that look like for you? And this is what we are called to do, how we are called to live and love one another, regardless of where we are or what we are doing. An example of this in my own life is work, my job. To understand this completely, I should explain that I am a Pediatric Home Health nurse, basically a high-stress, glorified, babysitting position, where I am usually either sitting and monitoring patients, or running around like a chicken with my head chopped off.  Recently, I was placed on night shift, yes, the eleven to seven awesomeness shift! Three days a week, in addition to school, family and whatever else keeps me busy throughout the week. Two words for this situation come to mind: A LOT! After some prayer, and asking Jesus to help me view this through my, “Jesus lens,” another two words came to mind: NIGHT WATCH. How many people do you know, get paid to stay up through the night to pray for other people? This girl does. Of course I am going to be doing my job, to the best of my ability, but really, what better way to look at this situation? I don’t know yet why, but maybe it is to pray for you? And maybe it’s because He is preparing me for something he has prepared and planned later on down the road for me. I don’t know, but He does.

Ok, so really, there is a reason you are reading this extremely long blog! It is because I would really like to ask you to join me in prayer, yet again, for Haiti. For Jesus. Haiti. Me. I don’t understand what He is doing in my heart, much like I don’t completely understand the , “ night watch,” but I am pursuing Him, and a huge part of me feels pulled towards Haiti so I am going, and I am in much need of your prayers. My plan, is to not have a plan, but to surrender my life to Jesus, day by day, moment by moment and second by second. I’m sure you can relate! No five year plans for me!!! Part of this plan, for now, seems to be going back to Haiti for a little while, and I am rising to the offer and challenge, to try and out-give God. I am wanting to go for one month, the month of December, to try and pour out of this vessel what God has seen fit to overflow with Himself.  This is why I need you to pray. So, as you pray for me, please pray for me to give my all to Jesus and to follow Him with reckless abandon. I need you to earnestly pray that my faith will be sure and strong, my ears ready to hear, my eyes ready to see and my heart ready to receive and discern. As always, you can be sure that I am praying for you as Jesus leads me to, and that I am full of His love towards you. As I am on my, “night watch,” I will be praying for you sincerely and earnestly.

Love has a hem to her garment
That reaches the very dust.
It sweeps the stains
From the streets and lanes
And because it can, it must.
~ Mother Theresa

Today was a discouraging day. Filled with horror and dismay over certain situations that were, altogether, out of my control. I have been bombarded with emotional trials, and have found little relief, outside of my few precious moments of solitude in the early mornings and the late evenings… I found myself questioning God and begging Him for understanding about the painful things in this world, and for His precious arms to wrap me in a comforting embrace. I was desperate to climb into His presence and stay there, and being so dismayed, it was not an easy task to just focus on Him. So I came home to my sweet Nana and asked her to read with me. Out of habit, I pulled out the Charles Spurgeon, “Morning and Evening,” devotional that we often read together and then sat down. My Nana, on the other hand, retrieved another devotional and pulled out an old bookmark from it, that had the Mother Theresa quote typed out onto it from years ago, and simply handed it to me.
 Sometimes, I wonder at God’s grace and mercy, and I question the things that seem unjust and unrighteous. I want to scream at the unjust things that I see and hear, I want to fight the things, the people, who misrepresent Jesus and the gospel, and I question God’s plan and His wisdom and wonder why He doesn’t strike blasphemous people down dead, and then wonder why He doesn’t strike me down for the same reason…” Seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.”  It is a simple answer. Plain enough to penetrate this simple mind of mine, and complex enough to draw me into a web of discovery. “Love has a hem to her garment that reaches the very dust. It sweeps the stains from the streets and the lanes. And because it can, it must.” BECAUSE IT CAN, IT MUST ( Mother Theresa).  Everyone was created for God, and we are born seeking life, and we continue seeking life until the day we die. There is no reasoning behind it, and most people would not know how to tell you why they seek life, other than they were created, born, to search for something deeper than themselves, and even then, some would not know to use the word created at all, because it indicates that there is some grand design, or purpose, for their lives that might be out of their control. But, because we can seek life, we must seek life. It is in our DNA, it is a part of our souls and it is our calling to be a part of something bigger than ourselves… And the biggest thing I can think to be a part of is God’s plan. I remember reading an account about George Muller once, which stood out to me because of the simplicity of his belief, and the power that God bestowed upon him for that belief.  The key sentence that stood out to me was this, “ Mr. Muller ( captain of the ship speaking) do you realize how dense the fog is?” “No.” He replied, “My eye is not on the dense fog but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life (Streams in the Desert. 315).” I am realizing more and more that as life gets stickier and as I become more aware of all the awful circumstances people go through in this life, that the answer George Muller gave is the response I should have, in every dense and foggy situation. It’s not about how confusing the circumstances are, or how big the issue at stake seems to be, my focus need not be on the circumstance, but rather on the one who is in complete control over all situations in this life, Jesus.  I think that if my focus remains on Jesus and who He is, then I will be less distracted and worried about the gnats that seem to loom like giants when my gaze has shifted from the Lord.  I am glad indeed, that Jesus’ hem of love reaches the dusty streets of my heart, and that He does not give up on me as He continues to carry me on towards a child-like faith in Him. I am glad that I do not walk on this path of life alone, but that Jesus is quick to send me aid in my days of trouble, guidance in my time of dismay and comfort in my time of fear….the list is endless, and I could not be more grateful to Him than I am today. I look forward to my future, knowing that He will teach me more of Himself every day and that as time moves on I will look back and continue to say, “I am more grateful to Him today, than I ever was before.”

A Spiritual Spanking

I just got back from GA yesterday, after spending a few days there for a missions conference with the folks I met down in Haiti. It was great to see them all again, but it was also really, really difficult for me. You see, God has placed in me this desire for Haiti, but He has also placed in me a "knowing" that I am not allowed to go...yet. I am waiting. I am sure you can imagine how hard it is to wait on something, when everyone around you is practically dancing down the path that you desire to be on. Yes, I learned a lot and I am happy for them and I am more than happy that I was included in the conference, but my heart got broken and tried on so many different levels. One level is a lonely level. Another level is an insecurity level. And those two combined, make a really, really, self-centered level.
I have a void in my life, and it's a void that has been there for as long as I can remember. It's a void for community, true community, and fellowship. There are not many people that I can relate to, or people that understand my heart's crazy desire to be in deeper relationship with Jesus, and I don't mean that to be a prideful statement, it's just the way it seems. The problem is that the people that do understand and share my passion, most of them live at least 2,00 miles away from me across the ocean, in some foreign country. It's hard to build relationship and community with people that live a different life, in practically a different world. So my goal is to build that kind of community around me, with the people that God has placed in my life, and it is definetly not the easiest task I have ever set out to do, but it started because of the people I met in Haiti. Anyways, all that to say, I got to this conference and because the people there have different lives and are all very close to each other spiritually, mentally and emotionally, i had a lot of trouble feeling like I fit in this time around, and most of them were so tired that they didn't seem to have them emotional reservoir they needed in order to try and invest in new relationships. Needless to say, I had a pity party and fussed a lot at God about allowing me to be there at all. I figured I could be lonely all the way in VA and I didn't need to travel 500 miles to be lonely in GA. I got an attitude adjustment pretty fast for that thought. As it turns out, I wasn't there for me at all. I was there for Jesus, and some people that He met me there with, who needed some TLC. It did take me about a day to start trying to look outside of myself, but Jesus was super patient with me and gave me scripture after scripture of encouragement, and still ( even with my bad attitude) allowed me to minister to other people in His mighty name. I am pretty humbled about that. I even met some people who felt the same way I did and we were able to all encourage each other and pray together, and it was awesome. I was even more blessed, because the ways that Jesus used me to minister to people, were by things that He has been showing me and teaching me over the past few months, through various tough situations, and it was SO totally worth, every difficult moment, to be able to offer compassion, sympathy and encouragement to other people who were going through similar situations and then to hear them praise God for His sweet compassion and grace. There are a lot of things that I am still working through.  There were some dissapointments here and there, and some hard truth's that were spoken to me, and I really don't have any idea what the big plan is for later on down the road, but I know that God has something special in store, and I can't wait to see what it is...I didn't feel courageous when I was there, I didn't feel compassionate or happy. I felt lonely, angry, scared, hurt and dissapointed, but I was still willing to be used by Jesus, even though I didn't understand what was going on, I still wanted to somehow bless Him through all of what was going on inside of me, and from that desire He blossomed a sprout of courage and from courage a bit of hope and from hope a little compassion, and so on and so forth.... His power is perfected in my weaknesses, and it  is a beautiful thing to behold him taking my wicked and dirty heart and turning into something beautiful that reflects the goodness of His being, of His nature. I was so blessed by Jesus.

                                                  The servant of the Lord must be gentle...

                                                               2 Timothy 2:24

For Such A Time as This

Sleepless nights are really hard to deal with. In these last couple of months, preparing for Haiti, going to Haiti and returning, I have battled a lot of things in my spirit and just yesterday the Lord gave me a "love-tap" and I felt some victory over my sleepless nights. When I was in Haiti, I was realizing how difficult it is to be a missionary to the people in America, and how there is a wall between me and loving them unreservedly and freely, compared to the freedom and absence of that wall of restraint, while I was loving on people in Haiti. It was a refreshing balm for my soul. Then I came home. Here I am today, battling nightmares, facing conflict daily, pursuing Jesus and struggling with all of life's daily battles. Some days I feel victorious and other days I am left wondering what in heaven's name did I accomplish for God's kingdom that day. Well, as far as the nightmares go, I have been praying for Jesus to allow me to wake up with praises on my lips, and a song of worship in my heart, instead of fear and pain. He has been doing that for me faithfully since I have been asking Him to, and even more than that, He gave me a special word. Job 35: 10, " Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night?" Nathaniel William Taylor says that, " In order for God to give 'songs in the night,' He must first make it night". I feel like that speaks to my heart on many levels. One, being the difficulty of loving without restraint, the people I serve in my community. There are so many barriers that, at times it is really easy to be discouraged. Another, is conflict. You can't avoid it in life, but I have tried my very best to avoid as much of it as possible, as often as I can, and yet it comes along anyhow. Then, of course there are the sleepless nights...These are things that my heart wrestles with, and then there is a simple promise, a statement really, that God gives songs in the night. It is simple, yes, but it is healing too. I awake every morning with a joyful heart full of praise to pour out to my Jesus, even the nights that I awaken from a bad dream, I am still able to rest in peace from the reassurance of whatever song Jesus has put on my heart. God gave me my time in Haiti to reassure me of His power in seemingly hopeless situations. God gave me a picture of community that handles conflict in a healing and healthy way while I was in Haiti also, so now I have hope because I have seen a family successfully, work through conflict, in a healthy and loving way. It was good to see that what I have been praying for and working towards ( capability of resolving conflict in a healthy way) actually exists somewhere and it is a possibility. Life is hard, and there are all sorts of things that I could be afraid of, but the truth is that my inheritance is Christ, and I have not inherited a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind that is at peace in Christ. God is able to meet all of my needs and to conquer my every fear, because, " There is no fear in perfect love,"( 1 John 4:18) and I believe it is a matter of walking my life out in that truth and trusting in a faithful God. 

Ministering to the King

I was studying my Bible this morning and was reading in Matthew 26 and the Lord really opened my heart to see something that I think I have missed in that passage before. Verse 10-11 say," But Jesus, aware of this said to them, 'Why do you bother this woman? For she has done a good deed to Me. For you always have the poor with you; but you do not always have me."  I've read this passage many times before, but I had never stopped to think about how Jesus was saying that it was ok, that it was even really good, that this woman made ministering to Jesus a priority. Not doing good, or donating money to the poor or whatever tops the list, but just loving on Jesus and ministering to His heart. That got me to thinking about how I can minister to Jesus' heart today. He isn't exactly a physical, tangible presence, so it is hard for me to anoint His head with expensive oil...So what does that look like for me today? I have been thinking about ministering to Jesus' heart a lot lately, and how in the Psalms it talks about "Blessing the Lord," I mean, how often really do we stop to think about blessing the Lord, or praying a blessing over Him? I know it sounds maybe a little crazy, but I feel like a little girl kissing her Daddy's boo boo or placing a bright pink Dora the Explorer band-aid on it, and I know that it might not do much in a physical sense, but I think we all know that moments like that stick in a Daddy's heart-memories and it grows and strengthens the Daddy-Daughter relationship. After all, that is what this life is about right? Being in relationship with Jesus? And if we are in close relationship with the Father, then our lives will be GLOWING Jesus and living a gospel centered life goes hand-in-hand with that, so sharing the gospel should be second nature to that. I think that because the church is Christ's bride, and because a husband and wife are one, that the best way to minister to Jesus' heart is to minister to His church, His body, His beloved people and in that way I can minister to Him, just like Mary did. I think too that if we are taking care of each other with that perspective, that we are anointing Jesus' head with oil, then our lives will be the testifying to His love, grace and forgiveness...Living a gospel-centered life.
So, how are you going to anoint Jesus' today?
Just some food for thought...

“I discovered later, and I'm still discovering right up to this moment, that is it only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in life's duties, problems, successes and failures. In so doing we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God, taking seriously, not our own sufferings, but those of God in the world. That, I think, is faith.” 

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

How Deep the Father's LOVE for us....

I am so glad that God often chooses to speak to us through whispers rather than shouting at us...I love how He draws us into the desert, bringing us to a place of solitude so that we can listen intently, concentrating on His every word, focusing on His voice in the stillness of the moment. 

My recent moment of stillness, that was mostly in my heart between Jesus and me, was when I was milking a cow yesterday. Imagine that, in a barn with hay, the sweet smell of cow and fresh milk, and the painstaking task of figuring out how to get milk out of this poor creatures udder. A moment of stillness?!!! Ok, well it was just because I am listening more attentively when I am with animals, outside or in a barn somewhere...That's just me though. It was so great to feel the warmth of that cow's hide with the chill of the early morning sitting on my shoulders, perched on a bucket and enjoying the moment. I felt like Jesus was sitting there with me milking the cow, and He was. Sometimes I forget that He is with me always, even when I am taking on a new task like milking a random Jersey cow. The moment wasn't profound or anything, but it was a sweet and special reminder that I really am NEVER alone and that no matter the circumstance I am facing that HE is always with me. I know that HE gives me moments like that so that when I begin to doubt His presence later on, because knowing myself I know that I will at some point even if it's just for a moment, He offers me the gentle reminder of mornings like yesterday when we milked the cow together...

During weeks like this when I feel that I have had hardly time enough to breathe, He is so faithful to be the supporting hand that I need and the shoulder that I can cry on...in this case it was providing a cows hide...and I am so grateful to Him for His provision and the unique ways that He meets our needs when we are least expecting Him to.

By the way...I now really want a milk cow. <3

It's funny how the little things matter to us after all... I'm sitting at my desk at my parents house in my old room and reminiscing as I am looking through my old stashes. The desk itself is from an Amish shop in PA, which is perfect for me because, when I was younger, I was fascinated with their way of living and often dreamed of living among them to gain a better appreciation for their lifestyle. Each of the drawers in the desk are full of little things that I collected during my childhood...a tea box full of old stamps, a drawer with an old 39 cent can for bird food filled with rubber pellets that my Dad and Uncles shot at each other when they we kids. A small shelf filled with letters that I received form my cousin Emma during the four or five years that we were pen-pals, and another small drawer filled with stamping materials for letters ( wax, a stamp with a "K" on it for my Dads initial, and other things that I fancied would work for creating a signet ring of my own). Sitting atop my desk is a small birds nest that I found that still shelters a small blue egg in it,a four-leafed clover, a semi -starfish, a paper heart that my sister crafted for me, and a rose that my Dad gave me on Valentines Day several years ago when I had my first boyfriend ( I remember feeling so strongly about that one rose even though the boy I was dating at the time sent me two dozen roses...that one from my Daddy still meant the most).
It's amazing how those things still mean a lot to me...They are road markers in my life because they are the beginning of things that I still treasure today. My relationship with my Daddy ( who has blessed me with a wonderful view of my heavenly Father), my writing hobby and the other small things that I take pleasure in discovering because they are so often overlooked and their fine creations under appreciated ( my starfish, birds nest and four-leafed clover)... The woven birds nest reminds me of how the Lord said that He knew us before we were formed ( woven together) in our Mother's womb and all of the careful detail, love and time placed into it. The four-leafed clover is just fun because it is rarer that a three-leafed clover and it is a fabulous display of God's fun creativity. Finally there is my starfish...this sun-bleached creature has a broken tentacle but it still sits proudly beside the birds nest. Just as uniquely created, just as significant and lovely...I glued one tentacle back onto it, but you can't tell just by looking at it, and you know what the starfish reminds me of? Me. Died to self, bleached white in the radiance of God's love, glued together here and there, and still missing pieces of me that will only be restored to make me complete when I am with Him in heaven. I take pleasure in knowing that I am broken because I know that it means He is doing a work in my heart and He is drawing me closer and sharing more of His heart with me...Brokenness is not a bad thing at all, and though I have had my fair share I know that when I come to Him broken he is, as my sister Mia puts it, " Doing heart surgery. Taking the old heart piece by piece and replacing it piece by piece with His own heart." Is that not a beautiful thought?!!! A heart no longer my own wicked one, but replaced with something pure and whole and holy. What a humbling thought and what a painful process. What better surgeon to place my heart in than the one that invented the heart in the first place, and knows mine more intimately than I myself know it? It's the small things in this life that end of making the big difference...Piece by piece.
My soul waits longingly for the Lord....I will pour out my heart before Him because He is a refuge for me...
Psalm 62

April 6, 2012
Passover is this weekend...My favorite holiday of the year! There is so much meaning that is woven throughout the sedar and every year the Lord reveals more of His mystery to me through this traditional feast. Christ's death and resurrection, symbolic of the hope that I have for life eternal with Jesus. Praise God for His blessings, may we in turn live each day trying to bless His heart <3.