Well, I did it. I finally sent the e-mail I have been dreading to send for the past couple of weeks. I sent an e-mail telling the director of Much Ministries that I am not going to Haiti in December. Yes, I said that I am not going. You see, God has these amazing plans for our lives, and His character is such that He is patient and loving and kind towards us, even when we try and rush Him...
Let's back track a little bit. I love Haiti, and I love going there and serving with all my heart and soul. It is, and would be an easy decision for me to make to just up and go and serve there for as long as God saw fit... I know that there would be difficult things for me to face there. I read about them through my friends blogs all the time. They are heart breaking, gut wrenching stories about life, loss of life and how hard it can be to face another day knowing that death will surely come again in all shapes and forms.They are also stories that are full of life. Jesus life. Still, I would go and it would not take much for me to jump up and go for forever...Haiti, Africa, India, Bolivia, Peru....Wherever people are who have not heard of Him. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
So, why am I here? Good question. Let me tell you that I don't know the entire answer to that question. I have a couple of ideas, but I am looking forward to seeing God put all of the puzzle pieces together one day...Maybe next week, maybe ten years or twenty or thirty years or maybe not until eternity with Jesus...
Here is one thing I do know about why I am here. I know that for this time and season I am here to serve my family. Mother Teresa put it this way, and I can't help but agree...
"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start. "
-- Mother Teresa
In a way God has called me to the hardest missions field that I can imagine. My family. I know what people have expected of me, I know what I have expected of myself, and in some ways this direction disappoints me because I am a selfish person with a crippled heart and I don't want to dive into the pool of yuck that has kept my family buried for such a long time...But Jesus is the God of freedom. He is the King of healing and life changing, life breathing power. My pastor shared John 21 with me when I was discussing this matter with him and his wife where Jesus just told Peter what his end would be. Grueling, painful and totally dependent upon God's grace. So then Peter has a little hissy fit, " Peter, turning around saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, 'Lord and what about this man?' Jesus said to him, " If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!" John 21: 20-22.
Point being, I don't need to worry about what your story looks like, or what my foreign missionary friends' stories look like, or what my sisters' stories look like....I need to follow Jesus. Period. That is His will for me. To follow Him regardless of what others want my story to be, or what I wish it could look like...Jesus' way is best and I am willing to submit to that and give my life up to follow Him. Even into the pool of yuck that my family is in.
So, what is your story?
"For Such A Time As This."
~ Esther
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