“Being a Christan is less about cautiously avoiding sin than about courageously and actively doing God's will.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I was just reminded today by a dear sweet friend who said that, " life is a prayer." Meaning that no matter what we do, or where God has us, we are in need of the constant communication that we have with Jesus in order to continue pursuing and walking down the path He has set before our feet. Often, I feel that it is difficult to remain where He has placed my feet, that there is a deep stirring and a restlessness in my soul, anxiously anticipating His next move, the next part of His plan. All the while knowing that He is in the middle of preparing my heart for that something... But the wait is excruciating. Even the active waiting. Not the kind where you say, " God, if you would just do this, then I'll do that." But the kind where you say," Lord I'm trusting, and so I'm moving, and since I'm moving I'm believing that you will guide me." As we all know, it's a lot less challenging to steer a moving vehicle than one that is idling.
Some people feel that it is easier to wait on the sidelines of life, living cautiously, timidly and in the safety zone...Its just that if that is you, you will never do anything great with Jesus if you don't allow Him to move your feet off of the sidelines and into the game... And he won't use you if you are a bench warmer. You have to be prepared to be put in the game. Today I was really reminded of this, and it is simple, but much needed... I was reminded to ask Jesus, " What are You trying to teach me through this?" I don't know about you, but my life has been pretty topsy-turvy lately, and I honestly can't seem to get my feet back under me, no matter how hard I try. But I realized today that I was forgetting to ask Jesus what He was trying to show me and teach me, simply because I was getting caught up in just surviving each day. We weren't made to just survive. We were made for GLORY. God's glory. And I just forgot for a second... It makes me so very thankful for good, godly friends who can gently remind me of the simple and profound things in life...
It reminded me to be courageously living, moving and breathing. Knowing that each day has it's purpose and that God has a plan, if I'll just trust in Him for the courage to receive what He has to share...
^"25 

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.

²⁶ 

She speaks with wisdom,

    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

Proverbs 31: 25-26 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16: 33

Have you ever felt something pulling so hard at your heart that you almost felt like you were going to tumble over into a pile on the floor? I feel that often, and then I often wonder why God gave me such strong emotions? Are they good for me? Why do people look at me like I've grown two heads when I express them? If they are unattractive, I should try to be more logical and stoic. Sometimes, I feel such emotions that, at times make me physically ill, or at other times hugely energized... Sometimes I feel that emotional people, because emotions are complicated, are the least understood, and sometimes treated like the plague. Now, I understand being responsible for your emotional responses to circumstances and not letting your emotions control you is right, important, logical,rational and GOOD. If I've heard one thing about emotions, that's the one I've heard the most. However, I just wonder if emotions aren't like every other misunderstood thing in our culture? People reject, mistreat, dislike, critique and make fun of things, people, and circumstances that they don't understand, because it makes them uncomfortable. I'm the same way with logical people. They make me uncomfortable because I don't understand them, they make me feel stupid when I compare myself to them, and then I don't want to be myself because it feels like the wrong place and the wrong time to be, Joie.  Okay, okay, so enough of the prelude to this blog...

Here is what I am learning. 

I am learning that I am not defined by my emotions, but that I define them. That it is okay to be who God created me to be, but also that I am having to encourage others to hold me accountable to God's Word, and to not let me get away with sinning just because, " Joie is emotional," which makes it understandable. Understanding sin is never an excuse for allowing it to continue. It is not a loving thing to do. It is an unrighteous thing to do. So, I would encourage you to lovingly confront me or any other follower of Jesus Christ, who's sin you are understanding and not holding accountable to the living, breathing and active WORD of God. Okay, let's be honest. This could get messy. There are moments, shoot, days that I do not enjoy, nor long to be made aware of sin in my life, and I am by no stretch of the imagination perfect, but I DESIRE GOD. And I know that He put that desire in me, and that He isn't about to let it go away. However, I am also really hungry for the Church to start respecting people they don't understand, loving them by holding them accountable to God's word, teaching each other, and striving to live in grace with a heart that is tuned into the mind and heart of Christ. And I REALLY want the Church to understand that often loving people includes confronting them. Telling them they are wrong, but that you want to help them, and not give up on them. 

One of my greatest fears is abandonment.  Fearing that I am really, truly unlovable and that one day someone will find out that I am as undesirable as I hope I am not, and that I will be left because I wasn't good enough, I didn't try hard enough, or worse that my best wasn't enough. That is one of the most special things about my relationship with Jesus. You see, the truth is that I am not good enough. My best isn't enough. And for that purpose, whatever the rationale behind it, I was taken in instead of abandoned... It's funny though that one of the deepest ties I have to Christ, is one of the biggest issues I deal with in my day to day life. The struggle to not live in fear. I HATE fear, and truthfully it hates me. It will try to destroy you if you don't tell it where to go. For this reason, I ask you to be mindful of how you say what you say to people, because you may accidentally be encouraging something destructive in them. The key is HOW you say what you say, if what you are saying ( I'm speaking accountability-wise) is in line with scripture. Not to just not say anything.

FOCUS and PERSPECTIVE

You know, it's amazing how when we ask Jesus to ," Remove the foreskins of our hearts ( Jeremiah 4:4),"  that He really does it, and the word that comes to mind is, disappointment.
Disappointment in myself and how easily distracted I can be from Jesus, and how eager my heart is to settle for a lukewarm faith that is comfortable and easy on my pride. Disappointment for my lack of discipline in spending time with my Savior, knowing that He is the rest that I need to have in order to not grow weary with the day to day grind of life... Disappointment in the kind of friend that I am to people, allowing myself to be complacent, not wanting to cause any sort of discomfort in holding people accountable to what I know to be TRUTH according to God's word, and what kind of friend does that make me?   Col. 3: 16 says, " Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God."  Knowing that there is a right way to hold people accountable ( " Let your speech be seasoned with grace, as though seasoned with salt. Col. 4:6")  and a wrong way, and also that there is a right and a wrong way for me to be living my life ( "Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving. Col. 4:2.") so that when the time comes for me to actually confront someone my heart is in the right place and my heart in tune with the Holy Spirit.
I mentioned that family is the hardest missions field that Jesus could place me on at this point in time....and it is true. No one else knows you like family knows you , and no one else can test you like family can, and no one else can pull on your heart strings like family can.... All of these things make it rather difficult to accomplish the things that I mentioned before, which brings me to my next point.

REST.

" In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there."  Mark 1: 35

A lot of people confuse rest with distraction from stress. So, TV, hanging out, sports, drinking, relationships...whatever floats their boat, when in reality rest is not distraction, it's putting your FOCUS on the right thing. JESUS.

" And He said to them, ' Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest awhile.'"  Mark 6: 31

"And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying, for all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things, But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 30-31

If our focus is resting on the right place then struggles, joys, passions, relationships...life, will come into perspective and we will gain the rest and peace we seek.

Season Change

First, I really want to thank people who have been praying for me about Haiti. I have something to tell you folks that may come as a surprise.
Well, I did it. I finally sent the e-mail I have been dreading to send for the past couple of weeks. I sent an e-mail telling the director of Much Ministries that I am not going to Haiti in December. Yes, I said that I am not going. You see, God has these amazing plans for our lives, and His character is such that He is patient and loving and kind towards us, even when we try and rush Him...
Let's back track a little bit. I love Haiti, and I love going there and serving with all my heart and soul. It is, and would be an easy decision for me to make to just up and go and serve there for as long as God saw fit... I know that there would be difficult things for me to face there. I read about them through my friends blogs all the time. They are heart breaking, gut wrenching stories about life, loss of life and how hard it can be to face another day knowing that death will surely come again in all shapes and forms.They are also stories that are full of life. Jesus life. Still, I would go and it would not take much for me to jump up and go for forever...Haiti, Africa, India, Bolivia, Peru....Wherever people are who have not heard of Him. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
So, why am I here? Good question. Let me tell you that I don't know the entire answer to that question. I have a couple of ideas, but I am looking forward to seeing God put all of the puzzle pieces together one day...Maybe next week, maybe ten years or twenty or thirty years or maybe not until eternity with Jesus...
Here is one thing I do know about why I am here. I know that for this time and season I am here to serve my family.  Mother Teresa put it this way, and I can't help but agree...
"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start. "
-- Mother Teresa

In a way God has called me to the hardest missions field that I can imagine. My family. I know what people have expected of me, I know what I have expected of myself, and in some ways this direction disappoints me because I am a selfish person with a crippled heart and I don't want to dive into the pool of yuck that has kept my family buried for such a long time...But Jesus is the God of freedom. He is the King of healing and life changing, life breathing power. My pastor shared John 21 with me when I was discussing this matter with him and his wife where Jesus just told Peter what his end would be. Grueling, painful and totally dependent upon God's grace. So then Peter has a little hissy fit, " Peter, turning around saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them...So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, 'Lord and what about this man?' Jesus said to him, " If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!" John 21: 20-22.
Point being, I don't need to worry about what your story looks like, or what my foreign missionary friends' stories look like, or what my sisters' stories look like....I need to follow Jesus. Period. That is His will for me. To follow Him regardless of what others want my story to be, or what I wish it could look like...Jesus' way is best and I am willing to submit to that and give my life up to follow Him. Even into the pool of yuck that my family is in.
So, what is your story?
                                "For Such A Time As This."
                                        ~ Esther

Losing this life for Jesus

Have you ever read Malachi 3:10?  Well, it says this, “ Bring the whole tithe into my storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test me now in this, ‘ says the Lord of hosts,’ if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.”  Do you get the impression here that God is smiling, daring you to try and out- give Him? I do, and it gives me chills. This is how I see this scripture in my mind (and as a girl, sorry guys!). Ok, it’s like being invited to a ball. You are standing by the wall looking radiant, calm and collected in your gown, but inside you are quivering with anticipation. Is He coming? Will He ask you to dance? You’ve already told Him you skipped out on ballroom dancing classes, so you are going to be a little lost, and you’re probably going to step on His toes! Then, He comes. There is no hesitation, no fear in His perfect love for you, and as you take the extended hand He offers to you, you are pleasantly surprised when He sweeps you off your feet ( hidden by your long dress), and places your feet on top of His for this dance that He knows the steps to… Just like when you were a child, and your Dad walked around the kitchen, with you clinging to his legs and standing on his feet. Ok, so if you are a girl you KNOW what I am talking about. If you’re a guy, I think you get the picture. I believe, with everything in my being, that God has called us to a life of love. A life lived knowing that, when we are living like He created us to live and loving like He loved, we are free. He even places our feet on top of His in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, when He gives us instructions on how to love like He does. I was challenged recently to place my name in the “love” part of this passage, and it really convicted me when I got through all four of those verses. “ Joie, is kind and patient…”.  Ok, I think you know what I am talking about, and really, I am none of those things, but have you tried to BE love in this passage before? What does that look like for you? And this is what we are called to do, how we are called to live and love one another, regardless of where we are or what we are doing. An example of this in my own life is work, my job. To understand this completely, I should explain that I am a Pediatric Home Health nurse, basically a high-stress, glorified, babysitting position, where I am usually either sitting and monitoring patients, or running around like a chicken with my head chopped off.  Recently, I was placed on night shift, yes, the eleven to seven awesomeness shift! Three days a week, in addition to school, family and whatever else keeps me busy throughout the week. Two words for this situation come to mind: A LOT! After some prayer, and asking Jesus to help me view this through my, “Jesus lens,” another two words came to mind: NIGHT WATCH. How many people do you know, get paid to stay up through the night to pray for other people? This girl does. Of course I am going to be doing my job, to the best of my ability, but really, what better way to look at this situation? I don’t know yet why, but maybe it is to pray for you? And maybe it’s because He is preparing me for something he has prepared and planned later on down the road for me. I don’t know, but He does.

Ok, so really, there is a reason you are reading this extremely long blog! It is because I would really like to ask you to join me in prayer, yet again, for Haiti. For Jesus. Haiti. Me. I don’t understand what He is doing in my heart, much like I don’t completely understand the , “ night watch,” but I am pursuing Him, and a huge part of me feels pulled towards Haiti so I am going, and I am in much need of your prayers. My plan, is to not have a plan, but to surrender my life to Jesus, day by day, moment by moment and second by second. I’m sure you can relate! No five year plans for me!!! Part of this plan, for now, seems to be going back to Haiti for a little while, and I am rising to the offer and challenge, to try and out-give God. I am wanting to go for one month, the month of December, to try and pour out of this vessel what God has seen fit to overflow with Himself.  This is why I need you to pray. So, as you pray for me, please pray for me to give my all to Jesus and to follow Him with reckless abandon. I need you to earnestly pray that my faith will be sure and strong, my ears ready to hear, my eyes ready to see and my heart ready to receive and discern. As always, you can be sure that I am praying for you as Jesus leads me to, and that I am full of His love towards you. As I am on my, “night watch,” I will be praying for you sincerely and earnestly.

Love has a hem to her garment
That reaches the very dust.
It sweeps the stains
From the streets and lanes
And because it can, it must.
~ Mother Theresa

Today was a discouraging day. Filled with horror and dismay over certain situations that were, altogether, out of my control. I have been bombarded with emotional trials, and have found little relief, outside of my few precious moments of solitude in the early mornings and the late evenings… I found myself questioning God and begging Him for understanding about the painful things in this world, and for His precious arms to wrap me in a comforting embrace. I was desperate to climb into His presence and stay there, and being so dismayed, it was not an easy task to just focus on Him. So I came home to my sweet Nana and asked her to read with me. Out of habit, I pulled out the Charles Spurgeon, “Morning and Evening,” devotional that we often read together and then sat down. My Nana, on the other hand, retrieved another devotional and pulled out an old bookmark from it, that had the Mother Theresa quote typed out onto it from years ago, and simply handed it to me.
 Sometimes, I wonder at God’s grace and mercy, and I question the things that seem unjust and unrighteous. I want to scream at the unjust things that I see and hear, I want to fight the things, the people, who misrepresent Jesus and the gospel, and I question God’s plan and His wisdom and wonder why He doesn’t strike blasphemous people down dead, and then wonder why He doesn’t strike me down for the same reason…” Seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.”  It is a simple answer. Plain enough to penetrate this simple mind of mine, and complex enough to draw me into a web of discovery. “Love has a hem to her garment that reaches the very dust. It sweeps the stains from the streets and the lanes. And because it can, it must.” BECAUSE IT CAN, IT MUST ( Mother Theresa).  Everyone was created for God, and we are born seeking life, and we continue seeking life until the day we die. There is no reasoning behind it, and most people would not know how to tell you why they seek life, other than they were created, born, to search for something deeper than themselves, and even then, some would not know to use the word created at all, because it indicates that there is some grand design, or purpose, for their lives that might be out of their control. But, because we can seek life, we must seek life. It is in our DNA, it is a part of our souls and it is our calling to be a part of something bigger than ourselves… And the biggest thing I can think to be a part of is God’s plan. I remember reading an account about George Muller once, which stood out to me because of the simplicity of his belief, and the power that God bestowed upon him for that belief.  The key sentence that stood out to me was this, “ Mr. Muller ( captain of the ship speaking) do you realize how dense the fog is?” “No.” He replied, “My eye is not on the dense fog but on the living God, who controls every circumstance of my life (Streams in the Desert. 315).” I am realizing more and more that as life gets stickier and as I become more aware of all the awful circumstances people go through in this life, that the answer George Muller gave is the response I should have, in every dense and foggy situation. It’s not about how confusing the circumstances are, or how big the issue at stake seems to be, my focus need not be on the circumstance, but rather on the one who is in complete control over all situations in this life, Jesus.  I think that if my focus remains on Jesus and who He is, then I will be less distracted and worried about the gnats that seem to loom like giants when my gaze has shifted from the Lord.  I am glad indeed, that Jesus’ hem of love reaches the dusty streets of my heart, and that He does not give up on me as He continues to carry me on towards a child-like faith in Him. I am glad that I do not walk on this path of life alone, but that Jesus is quick to send me aid in my days of trouble, guidance in my time of dismay and comfort in my time of fear….the list is endless, and I could not be more grateful to Him than I am today. I look forward to my future, knowing that He will teach me more of Himself every day and that as time moves on I will look back and continue to say, “I am more grateful to Him today, than I ever was before.”

A Spiritual Spanking

I just got back from GA yesterday, after spending a few days there for a missions conference with the folks I met down in Haiti. It was great to see them all again, but it was also really, really difficult for me. You see, God has placed in me this desire for Haiti, but He has also placed in me a "knowing" that I am not allowed to go...yet. I am waiting. I am sure you can imagine how hard it is to wait on something, when everyone around you is practically dancing down the path that you desire to be on. Yes, I learned a lot and I am happy for them and I am more than happy that I was included in the conference, but my heart got broken and tried on so many different levels. One level is a lonely level. Another level is an insecurity level. And those two combined, make a really, really, self-centered level.
I have a void in my life, and it's a void that has been there for as long as I can remember. It's a void for community, true community, and fellowship. There are not many people that I can relate to, or people that understand my heart's crazy desire to be in deeper relationship with Jesus, and I don't mean that to be a prideful statement, it's just the way it seems. The problem is that the people that do understand and share my passion, most of them live at least 2,00 miles away from me across the ocean, in some foreign country. It's hard to build relationship and community with people that live a different life, in practically a different world. So my goal is to build that kind of community around me, with the people that God has placed in my life, and it is definetly not the easiest task I have ever set out to do, but it started because of the people I met in Haiti. Anyways, all that to say, I got to this conference and because the people there have different lives and are all very close to each other spiritually, mentally and emotionally, i had a lot of trouble feeling like I fit in this time around, and most of them were so tired that they didn't seem to have them emotional reservoir they needed in order to try and invest in new relationships. Needless to say, I had a pity party and fussed a lot at God about allowing me to be there at all. I figured I could be lonely all the way in VA and I didn't need to travel 500 miles to be lonely in GA. I got an attitude adjustment pretty fast for that thought. As it turns out, I wasn't there for me at all. I was there for Jesus, and some people that He met me there with, who needed some TLC. It did take me about a day to start trying to look outside of myself, but Jesus was super patient with me and gave me scripture after scripture of encouragement, and still ( even with my bad attitude) allowed me to minister to other people in His mighty name. I am pretty humbled about that. I even met some people who felt the same way I did and we were able to all encourage each other and pray together, and it was awesome. I was even more blessed, because the ways that Jesus used me to minister to people, were by things that He has been showing me and teaching me over the past few months, through various tough situations, and it was SO totally worth, every difficult moment, to be able to offer compassion, sympathy and encouragement to other people who were going through similar situations and then to hear them praise God for His sweet compassion and grace. There are a lot of things that I am still working through.  There were some dissapointments here and there, and some hard truth's that were spoken to me, and I really don't have any idea what the big plan is for later on down the road, but I know that God has something special in store, and I can't wait to see what it is...I didn't feel courageous when I was there, I didn't feel compassionate or happy. I felt lonely, angry, scared, hurt and dissapointed, but I was still willing to be used by Jesus, even though I didn't understand what was going on, I still wanted to somehow bless Him through all of what was going on inside of me, and from that desire He blossomed a sprout of courage and from courage a bit of hope and from hope a little compassion, and so on and so forth.... His power is perfected in my weaknesses, and it  is a beautiful thing to behold him taking my wicked and dirty heart and turning into something beautiful that reflects the goodness of His being, of His nature. I was so blessed by Jesus.